Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
