Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
