Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
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Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
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We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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