i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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