Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
