Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
