She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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