so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
