you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
