we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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