the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
