My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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