I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
