Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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