sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
