I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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