yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
