Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I bet he comes in French.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
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just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize