On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Watching her eat just hurts me
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
