Moan for me like Helen Keller
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
