I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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