there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
even my farts smell like vagina
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
