just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
