my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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