i just sent this text using only my big toe
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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