i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My liver just had a heart attack.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
