My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
