Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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