i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
