I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
