ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
