I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
