we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
