Four minutes until I can fart!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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