I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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