my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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