i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
they need to just BURY HIM!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
