omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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