I can't watch pbs sober anymore
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
