Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
