I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
