I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
