DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
