the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
