It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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