I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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