my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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