Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
