Who wears a wallet chain?!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
