Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
