i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
