so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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