help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
What a dumb baby whore.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
