How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
